1000 ways to die: Death Roulette
by nicholas.cornish2
Summary: A new series of deaths from the series 1000 way to die
1. Chapter 1

I DO NOT OWN 1000 WAYS TO DIE

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Just when you think there's nothing else to show, we come at you with more, there's the German killed by his own hoe, the meanie who shouldn't have touched the closet, the maid who was all washed up, the fitness freak who should have just taken the bus and the bitch that should have listened to CDs.

Death is everywhere, most of us try to avoid it, others just can't seem to get out of it's way, everyday we fight a new war against germs, toxins, ijury, illness and catastrophe, because every day we live, we face...1000 WAYS TO DIE

Location: Berlin, Germany  
Date: Febuary 28th 2000

Meet Augustus, he is a soccer player who just recently had cheated death when he avoided being hit by a truck, now death wants payback, Sven is Augustus' housemate, today they were cleaning the cellar, when fate played a deadly trick when a bowling ball hit Augustus in the face and knocked him out. "Augustus, Wo sind Sie?" asked Sven. Sven thought Augustus had left before finishing helping so Sven left and locked the cellar, just as Augustus had woken up, Augustus noticed Sven had left and went to open the cellar door before realising it was locked, Augustus grabbed a hoe from a box to help open the door when fate made it's final move.

_Augustus steps on a mouse and slips._

Augustus had fallen in just a way that when he landed, he landed on the hoe and it imapled him.

WAY TO DIE #782

HOE-DEAD

Location: Phillidelphia, PA  
Date: January 5 2010

_2 teenagers are walking in the woods._

These two are Hunter and Jennifer, 2 young lovebirds who have been together for years, today was the 1 year anniversary of when they first met and Hunter wanted to make it special by planning a romantic camping trip.

_Hunter and Jennifer were sleeping in eachothers arms when the sound of a twig snapping wakes them up and they see a shadow outside the tent. They grow concerned and an ugly man sticks his head in the tent and screams at them to go away and scares them off._

This man is Bobby, a mean old man who just wants solitude, so he moved into a cabin in the woods when he was old enough to live on his own, but he still got too many unwanted visitors, Hunter and Jennifer were the last straw, he had decided to install booby traps. But Bobby wasn't very briht and installed the traps inside. When he was eating breakfast the following day, a canoe fell on his table, when he was watching TV, he fell in a trap door, he decided to put the traps away, after packing up all the stuff he used, he went to open the closet...

Bobby opens the closet door and there is a gun.

...but forgot about his last trap.

The gun fires.

Hector Randell (Gun Enthusiest): "The speed of a bullet depends upon several factors, gravity, rifle shape and size, air velocity and distance, the distance between this man and the gun, was close enough to make him bleed out and die within hours"

Hunter returned to the woods to apologize to Bobby and noticed the door was wide open, giving him the shock of his life when he saw Bobby's corpse.

WAY TO DIE #300

BOBBY TRAP

Location: Raleigh, NC  
Date: December 17, 2005

The woman you see before you is Tori, she works as a maid in a hotel in Raleigh, but she doesn't like her job, she was going to recieve her last paycheck and quit at the end of the month.

_Tori picks up her mop and starts moping_

Tori was starting to feel a little thirsty so she decided to get a drink

_Tori gets a cup of water from a cart and takes a drink_

A few minutes after that drink, Tori wasn't feeling too good.

_Tori coughs in her hand is blood_

"Oh my god"

_Tori runs to the bathroom but drops dead just shy of the door_

What happened to Tori? Let's find out.

_Back when Tori picked up her mop._

It appears that when Tori picked up her mop, she knocked over an open box of disinfectant which poured into her cup of water.

Dr Gerard Hellingway Phd (Doctor): Some ingredients in disinfectant are highly toxic, when this woman drank them it basically lead to internal bleeding.

Tori hated her job, at least she doesn't have to work anymore.

WAY TO DIE #512

WASHED UP

Coming up, the fitness freak that should have seen all the signs and the biggest bitch in the world.

Location: Albany,NY  
Date: August 19 2004

Markus is obsessed with his body did steroids kill him? No, he loved his body enough that he would never let drugs enter him, everyday he would leave his house at 7:00AM and jog to the local smoothie store, but his normal route is blocked by traffic so he takes an alternate route, near where some people are fixing the roof of a resteraunt, from the side the resteraunt sign looks like a 'T'.

Timing was not on Markus' side when a worker accidently knocked a hammer off the roof which hit the sign causing it tip over like an axe.

_Markus is running just as the sign tips over, when it tips all the way over, the top of the sign slams into Markus' stomach and slices him in half._

Johnathan Grew (Scientist): A bisection injury is where the body is sliced in haf either horizontaly or diagonally, the upper body is seperated from the lower body causing instant death, the sign tipping over was basically like a sword.

WAY TO DIE #217

SIGNING OFF

Location: Orangeburg, SC  
Date: Sep 15 2001

Mary is a popular girl who loves throwing parties, she's beautiful and smart, but there is one problem with her...

Mary is talking to a fellow student

"SHUT YOUR MOUTH, NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!"

...she's a bitch.

While setting up for a new party, Mary has problems with her stereo system so she decides to use a record player instead. If only she used a different one.

During the party, the record player starts to get jammed.

Mary notices her friend Phoebe talking to Jack, a guy Mary likes.

"Phoebe"

Mary walks up to Phoebe and Jack leaves.

Phoebe should have really come to Mary and here's why...

"I can't believe you, you know I like Jack you are just a miserable, self-centred..."

The record flys out of the record player and sliced Mary's head off.

Hey Mary, head's up...or in your case...head's off.

WAY TO DIE #118

FOR THE RECORD

Location: Hoboken, NJ  
Date: November 6 2002

Katie was in a recent car accident giving her a broken leg, right now she was in hospital with a thermometer in her mouth.

Katie drops the thermometer and it cracks

Scratch that

Katie picks up the thermometer and puts it back in her mouth

Katie started to feel a wierd feeling in her mouth, when she took the thermometer out she noticed that it cracked and was leaking mercury

Katie gets out of bed and goes to the bathroom to clean her mouth after she read that Mercury is poisonous.

When Katie cleaned her mouth she started feeling wierd.

Katie falls down and lands on a medical display skeleton and the ribcage impales her stomach

Dr Ric Mivane (Doctor): Alot of people believe that if something that impales them misses their heart then they're safe but this is untrue, no matter what happens, you're basically screwed, it causes you to bleed out, when this girl was impaled in the stomach it pierced her small intestines. This killed her nearly instantly.

WAY TO DIE #360

RIB-TICKLING

Location: Detroit, Michigan  
Date: October 16th 2005

This factory worker is Nate, he is a nice guy but there is one guy that he really hates...John. John had recently sent Nate an offensive message, knowing that he can't be fired since he's union rep. Nate decided to take charge.

"John to factory floor"

"Uh oh, that's the boss, John, you in trouble"

John moves towards Nate.

While the two were arguing, Nate notices a lifting hook starting to spark and malfunction, and it was right above them

Nate tried to get them both away but John thought that Nate was just trying to start a fight.

The hook falls, causing the section of walkway that John was on to break and John to fall.

John landed on the floor but he was fine.

The hook falls and crushes John's chest.

But not for long.

WAY TO DIE #180

HOOK, LINE AND KILLER

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Join us next time


	2. Chapter 2

I DO NOT OWN 1000 WAYS TO DIE

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1000 ways to die shows alot of bizzare ways to end up dead, these people are no exception, there's the reporter who was tara-fied, the drug dealer who should have stayed off the road, the mexican who wasn't drinking the koolaid and the woman who's ghost saw her mirror image

Death is everywhere, most of us try to avoid it, others just can't seem to get out of it's way, everyday we fight a new war against germs, toxins, ijury, illness and catastrophe, because every day we live, we face...1000 WAYS TO DIE

Location: Omaha, Nebraska  
Date: August 24th 2003

You see the big hulking man, that is Gene, do you know what his job is? Drug dealing, he has never taken drugs himself but that doesn't stop him from dealing them, one day, one of Gene's customers convinces Gene to smoke some crack, at the end of the day, Gene was driving while high, he never saw the red light.

A truck slams into Gene's car

WAY TO DIE #554

CAR CRACK

Location: Montreal, Quibec, Canada  
Date: July 7th 2007

This guy is Silva, a business consultant who should have been on vacation, he was relaxing at the pool at the hotel he was at when the table with his phone on is kncked over, and the phone ends up in the pool.

Dr Nic Maner (Scientist): "When something electrical is wet it shorts out the wiring and prevents it from working properly"

When someone in the pool saw the phone, they got out and gave it back to Silva, 1 hour later, Silva hears it ringing

_Silva answers the phone_

"Hello..."

The phone shorts out and electricutes Silva

Uh oh.

Dr Nic Maner: "With the phone in the pool for as long as it was, it caused a serious short in the circuit and when this man tried to use it the electrical current travelled through the body and stopped his heart."

WAY TO DIE #226

Caller I-Dead

Location: Moscow, Russia  
Date: Febuary 8th 1999

This man in the suit is Vladimir, he is a reporter for a Russian newspaper, today, Vladimir was doing a report on the black widow spider.

Vladimir enters a cave

It was actually suprising to Vladimir that he found nothing for 4 hours, and now it was night time, so Vladimir decided to camp out and try again tomorrow.

Late at night, Vladimir was feeling something, he turned on a lantern to see a black widow spider on his leg.

Vladimir reaches for his camera and the spider bites him.

"Ow"

Dr Hatham Reworan (Medical Expert): "The Black Widow's venom, like other spider's, is highly poisonous, if bit then you could be seriously ill or in most cases, even worse"

Vladimir was able to sell his story but he couldn't help but feel bad, not emotionally, he was feeling terrible, the Black Widow's bite had made Vladimir seriously sick until it ultimately...

Vladimir drops dead

...killed him

WAY TO DIE #442

TARA-FYING

Coming up, the CEO who wouldn't stop her harrassment and the father that beat his kids until they fought back.

Location: Tiajuana, Mexico  
Date: April 3rd 2006

Ray is an idiot, plain and simple, it was a miracle that he had friends. One thing they all love is cocaine.

Ray and his friends are snorting coke

When they were on their way to get a new batch of their favourite drug, Ray noticed something on the street...A cup of Koolaid.

Ray picks up the cup and chugs it down.

Ray doesn't know it but he has just signed his death certificate. While he and his friends were still walking, Ray started feeling wierd.

Ray drops dead

It wasn't Koolaid that Ray had drunk...it was Antifreeze

John Doe (Shadow used for criminal protection): "Antifreeze is dangerously toxic, if you drink too little then you're fine, drink just the right amount then you're fine but drink too much and you're dead within minutes"

Just one thing isn't explained...why did someone leave a cup of Antifreeze on the street?

WAY TO DIE #411

FREEZE RAY

Location: Las Vegas, Nevada  
Date: June 3rd 2005

Reese is a neat freak, she always wants to keep a tidy house. Her obsession with cleanliness get her 2 divorces and 0 kids.

Reese is cleaning a mirror

Reese, maybe you should step away from the mirror

The screw that the mirror was hanging from slips out and the mirror fell on Reese

Woah, what a mess, isn't it Reese?...Reese?

Dr Felix Tunrblax: When the mirror fell, it smashed, and the shards impaled the woman, killing her instantly

They say breaking a mirror is bad luck...Reese is living proof...ok so she's not LIVING proof

WAY TO DIE #833

REESE'S PIECES

Location: Providence, RI  
Date: October 6 2007

Peter is an alcoholic with no wife and 3 kids, his eldest child is Jack, his middle child is Paul and the youngest child is Peter's only daughter, Michelle. When Peter gets really drunk, he beats his kids.

Fred Ryan (Father of 3): "If you ever beat your kids then you don't deserve to be a father"

One day, Jack comes home late and Peter is drunk off his ass.

"Where were you?"

"Relax dad, I was just out with my girlfriend"

"That slut?"

"She's not a slut you drunk"

Peter hits Jack.

"DON'T EVER TALK TO ME LIKE THAT

That was the last straw for Jack.

"Oh, you going to hit me? go ahead, see what happens"

Jack punches Peter in the face and Peter drops dead.

As it turns out, Peter had a medical condition that even he didn't know about

Dr Greg Hitman: "The thing about this condition is that if the blood in the head is shook arounnd too much then it will cause instant death"

Peter was a bad man that bullied his kids, it got to the point where one had to fight back, so Peter actually caused his own death

WAY TO DIE #316

SUCKER PUNCHED

Location: Houston,TX  
Date: Febuary 5th 2009

Liz doesn't have a job but there is one thing she's good at...insulting people, she decided to turn that into a job...so she became a food critic, her first client was an incredible 5 star resteraunt not far from her home.

"I'll have the sea food medley"

Bad choice

Liz takes a few bites before droping dead.

As it turns out, Liz had an unknown allergy to sea food.

Dt Greg Hitman: "If someone takes a small dose of something they are allergic to then they might be unaffected but too much of something hey are allergic to and it's as deadly as poison"

This was actually good for Liz, with no job she had no money so she couldn't pay for her meal

WAY TO DIE #955

EATING WITH THE FISHES

Location: Nesquahoming, Pennsylvania  
Date: June 24th 2000

This lady is the CEO of her company, her name is Lily, she isn't very nice and she sexually harrasses her employees up to the point where she makes them have sex with her or she'll fire them, today's victim was AJ, he keeps refusing to sleep with her since he's happily married, when she keeps trying AJ tries other tactic to get her off

AJ pushes Lily away

Whoops

Lily falls out the window

AJ looks out the window to see Lily's bloody upper body on one side of a wall.

What happened?

When Lily fell out the window, she landed onto a brick wall which bisected her

AJs co worker, Alex took over the company and everyone was happy that Lily's reign of terror was over

WAY TO DIE #511

BI-SEX-TED

Location: Taledo, Ohio  
Date: October 16 2007

Here on 1000 ways to die, we occasionally have people who survive, today, Jeff tells his story.

A pile up occurs on a highway.

"I was in trouble, I survived all that but my car was sideways and my seatbelt was stuck, I heard a ar horn and saw a massive 18 Wheeler heading towards me, I screamed and tried to get out, I was able to get out intime but I walked out with 3rd degree burns"

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Tune in next time for the special sports edition


	3. Chapter 3: Sports Special

I DO NOT OWN 1000 WAYS TO DIE

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On 1000 ways to die, one type of death category that people prefer if sports deaths, so this edition is all sports deaths, from fencing, ice skating, skateboarding, surfing, golf, and cycling, the world of sports shows it's worst moments.

Death is everywhere, most of us try to avoid it, others just can't get out of it's way, everyday we fight a war against germs, toxins, injury, illness and catastrophe, there's alot of ways to end up dead, the fact that we survive at all is a miracle, because everyday we live, we face...1000 WAYS TO DIE

Location: Los Angelas, California  
Date: June 17th 2004

These two are Ricky and Robert, 2 amature fencing prodigies who both have different techniques on how to win, Ricky strategises and thinks ahead whereas Robert...cheats.

Richard Cohen (Professonal Fencer): "Fencing is a difficult sport to cheat in, the judges look directly at you so they can easil see wat you're doing, but occassionally you do have the people who somehow manage to resort to dirty tactics and actually succeed"

Ricky and Robert were both offered an opportunity to go pro, but first they would have to win a fencing match against eachother, seems fair, whoever wins gets to go pro, but their fencing match wouldn't be scheduled for another week and Ricky and Robert wanted to go at it now. They decide to do it now and Richard decides to make it more interesting by doing it in their street clothes.

Freddie Gray (Fencing Coach): "It is reccommended to wear the correct clothing during a fencing match to prevent serious injury, but some idiots decide to make it more interesting by wearing the incorrect attire"

Ricky didn't agree to the stipulation but Robert did it anyway. An hour later, the score is tied and the next point wins, time for Robert to pull out the big guns.

_Robert hits Ricky with a backhand slap._

That slap knocked the saber out of Ricky's hand along with something out, unfortunately for Robert, Ricky doesn't give up.

_Ricky grabs his sword to go for the final point to win but the sword goes right through Robert's chest and impales him._

It appears that when Robert slapped Ricky, the ball bearing at the end of Ricky's saber came off.

David Requesten (Amature Fencer): "Ball bearings are placed at the end of fencing sabers to prevent serious injury or worse but sometimes they are easy to remove but it is never reccommended"

That's not the worst of it yet.

_Ricky clutches his chest and drops dead._

Dr Nic Magner (Medical Professional): "When the man realised that he accidently killed someone, he was so shocked that he must have suffered from a fatal heart attack"

It's a shame that neither one of them went pro, Ricky definately deserved to go pro.

WAY TO DIE #662

IN-DIE-VIDUAL EPEE

Location: Miami, Florida

Date: April 16th 2003

This man right here is Trent, he is utterley narcissistic and mean, he loves to show off whenever he can, he believes there is no trick he can't perfect, he even has his own web show with him performing the most difficult skate moves of all time. Today, Trent was in for the biggest challenge of his life.

"Hey Trent, I dare you to perform...THE 720 GAZELLE FLIP"

Tony Hawk (Professional Skateboarder): "The 720 Gazelle Flip is the hardest Skate trick ever, you go up a ramp and try to spin you board 720 degrees below your feet and land on it perfectly, it sounds easy but it's way harder than it looks"

Trent was ready for this.

_Trent goes down the ramp then back up and does the trick perfectly._

Victory is Trent's, but he has other plans and decides to show off by performing a backflip while performing the trick.

_Trent goes down the ramp and then back up, while coming back down, he falls and there is blood whe he lands._

Dr Ray Garcia (Medical Professional): "When this man tried to show off the trick, he lost focus of everything else, when he came down this resulted in a loss of balance, causing him to slip and snap his spine and neck when he landed"

WAY TO DIE #331

HALF DIE-PE

Location: Little Rock, Arkansas

Date: July 3rd 1999

These two Ice Skaters are Daniel and Rita, one great thing about them is that they are undefeated both as a team and individually. They were prepared to win an upcoming tournament when a new team looks to post a threat to their undefeated reign, a thing about Rita and Dan is that even though Dan is nice...Rita isn't. Dan didn't care about winning, he only cared about having fun...Rita just wanted to win. In the locker room, Rita decides to interrogate the new girl.

"Listen girl, if you think that you are beating me then you are sadly mistaken, I was skating before I was in daipers..."

What Rita didn't know is that this new girl was an ex convict and had serious anger issues.

"...I am the champion, you are just a misserable little bitch"

_The girl punches Rita, causing her to fall._

"GET UP! I AIN'T DONE WITH YOU"

But Rita wasn't getting up anytime soon.

_The girl rolls Rita onto her back, revealing a large, bloody cut on her neck._

Hector Jomez (Ice Skating instructor): "When this woman fell it appears that she fell neck first onto the blade of an ice skate slicing her carative artery and causing her to blood out"

Look on the bright side Rita...you kept your undefeated streak intact

WAY TO DIE #600

DIE-CE SKATING

Coming up, the cyclist with something in his nose, the golf player with something in his pocket and the surfer who had something in his foot.

Location: Honolulu, Hawaii

Date: Febuary 11th 2001

This young man is Zane, one thing he particularly loves is surfing, one day he is the only one at the beach and the surf is great.

Adam Hathy (Amature Surfer): "Some people think that bigger waves makes fr more exciting surfing, even though it's true it also makes it more dangerous"

Zane goes out for the most exciting surfing he has ever seen, will it be worth the price?

_Zane keeps surfing for a while until he eventually wipes out._

Zane gets out of the water but feels something wierd in his foot.

_Zane looks at his foot and sees a sea urchin_

That sea urchin is dangerous.

Dr Drake Restormany: "Sea Urchins are highly poisonous, if stung by one, then the only way to cure it is to pee on it"

Unfortunately, with no one at the beach, there was no one to pee on the stung.

_Zane drops dead_

Dr Drake Restormany: "The poison was released after he would have removed the thorn that was in his foot, the poison would have taken over his body until it ultimately killed him"

WAY TO DIE #522

WIPEOUT

Location: Virginia Beach, Virginia

Date: September 5th 2000

Stanley loves golf, one thing that he has to guaruntee victory is the lucky tee he keeps in his shirt pocket. Whenever he won he would also do his victory dance.

Tiger Woods (Professional Golfer): "A tee is a small pin thet is stuck into the ground with the golf ball placed on top to make for an easier shot, however, the end of a tee is extremely sharp"

Today, Stanley was playing against Ryan, a newbie.

_The 2 play a full round of golf._

The winner...Stanley

Time for the victory dance, if only he had watched where his feet were.

_Stanley is doing his victory dance when he slips on Ryan's golf ball._

When Ryan rolled Stanley onto his back, there was blood coming from his shirt pocket

Dr Connor Edwards: "When this man fell, he fell onto his lucky tee which impled his heart"

The thing that killed Stanley was meant to be his _lucky _golf tee, not so lucky now, huh?

WAY TO DIE #663

TEE TIME

Location: Pensacola, Florida

Date: November 9th 2005

Fred is a cyclist, he is also a cheater, today was the day of the biggest race of the year, and Fred was prepared to win at all costs.

_Fred places a bag of thumb tacks into his pocket._

The race begins, Fred is in the lead. Half way to the end was Fred's chance.

_Fred empties the bag onto the track._

Luckily no one rode over the tacks so everyone was safe, but Fred decided to take a short cut, or rather a U-Turn.

_Fred is now at the section of track he dropped the tacks._

Fred fell victim to his own trap when he rode over the tacks. bursting his tyre.

_Fred goes out of control._

Fred went off the track and ended up in a rose bush. Fred started trying to fix his bike tyre but death wouldn't let him.

_Fred drops dead._

As it turns out that Fred had an unknown allergy to roses, and some pieces of the roses had gotten stuck to his clothes

Dr Henry Utopis: "Normally an alergic reaction is nothing but an overdose is extremely dangerous"

Not only was this allergy extremely dangerous...it was deathly fatal

WAY TO DIE #143

SKY HIGH

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Finished with the sports edition


End file.
